Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
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Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”