Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
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Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport