Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
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my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Ugh
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura