Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
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In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
why does this building look like a guilty dog
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.