*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
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Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Not all heroes wear capes…
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.