*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
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Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?