*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
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“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes