*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
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The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you