[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
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[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
It’s a gift
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.