[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
You Might Also Like
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
me, too, girl. me, too.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I did not eat the cake…
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G