@abbycohenwl: Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
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@notbedelia: When your wife says she needs a new broom it's best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
@davidkenny100: American: I was just at a shotgun wedding Me: How far pregnant was the bride? American: You English are insane Shotguns can't get pregnant
@heymonroe: 14 year old me would be shocked to learn that knowing every word to Billy Joel's 'We didn't start the fire' has done nothing for our career.
@rachelle_mandik: ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote! HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote ME: Funny story! This one time—