Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
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Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.