Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
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I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
When ur friends with white people
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second