Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
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Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
yall want some gasoline milk