sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
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4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”