sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
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*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
<- sleeps well with others
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever