[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
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Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
spot the difference
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first