[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
You Might Also Like
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine