Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
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These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.