There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
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[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Important reminders