*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
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Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this