*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
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One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.