[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
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No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Breaking news:
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.