I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
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I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.