Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
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I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.