@MarylandMudflap: Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper "I know it's been you shitting in my yard."
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@MdUNH: Cats are perfect for those who want to experience the indifference and hostility of the workplace in a pet.
@TheMichaelRock: *wife notices the books all over the floor* FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE'S NO SECRET PASSAGE!
@XLCadillac: [job interview] “Why should I hire you?” “Because I have pictures of you with a goat?”