{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
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My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”