@DaddyJew: *slowly raises hand 20 minutes into an important office meeting* so there are no donuts?
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@KimmyMonte: [sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding] hey, this priest bothering you?
@AngelaEhh: Why are people giving something up for lint? I'm sweeping that shit up every day if you want some more.
@headway10: Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: "Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!" Grandpa: "It's pronounced a Quiche, dear!"
@fart: my dream job is to be the FBI guy who nicknames criminals. someone blew up a fish market? Tunabomber. easy.