@DaddyJew: *slowly raises hand 20 minutes into an important office meeting* so there are no donuts?
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@lindseyallen: Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don't know them, and they don't know we're sharing.
@imchriskelly: i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
@tarashoe: a proper response to girl calling "amy?" in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON'T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE