@DaddyJew: *slowly raises hand 20 minutes into an important office meeting* so there are no donuts?
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@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped you? Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT? *tosses donut out window* Cop: ... Me: Aren't you gonna go get- Cop: Get out.
@tourettzgoth: Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
@Brampersandon_: How did the date go? -Not good. Aww what went wrong? -*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn't my type.