*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
You Might Also Like
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring