[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
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[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
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( • – •) /
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/Expectation:
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( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.