[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
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Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”