*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
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What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.