*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
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I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*