*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
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BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
don’t we all
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.