I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
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Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.