I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
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5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[canadians at you, canadianly]
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!