Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
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The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
White Castle for the Win