Smallpox sounds so adorable
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*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
What my back needs
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas