Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
You Might Also Like
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Need WebMD
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
mom gave me mine for free
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food