I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
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Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
“That’s what” – She
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*