Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
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I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.