Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
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Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.