Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
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Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.