What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
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4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.