I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
You Might Also Like
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*