*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
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kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?