*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
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You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
scenes of unspeakable carnage
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.