*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
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When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I like crazy people until they notice me
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.