Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
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Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.