“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
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This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
True
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.