Cherry seeds are just the pits.
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Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.