If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
You Might Also Like
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.